Rev. Douglas J. House, M.Div.
“Your words have power. Speak words that are kind, loving, positive, uplifting, encouraging, and life-giving.” -Unknown
When I was in high school, I remember an English teacher handing back a paper that I had written as a “creative writing” assignment. The paper was returned to me with a sea of red ink and with the instructions: “Come see me.” I went to the teacher’s office, pulled out the paper from my bag and handed it to her. She looked at me and said, “Well, at least we know that you’ll never make it as a creative writer.”
I have spent most of my adult life doing creative writing, from sermons, to newsletters, to published articles, and even teaching Writing for the English Department on occasion at the university where I teach. Yet, when I think back over the years, some of the most important and meaningful writing exercises that I have completed have been witnessed in the writing of eulogies. Throughout my career as a clergyman, I have had the privilege of officiating at nearly 600 funerals and memorial services. The truth is that some of these experiences have been harder than others. At times it’s hard to find the proper words to express the life experiences of the ones who have died. Still, I’ve discovered that when we are remembering someone who has experienced a long life, there can be so much to celebrate. Each experience is unique, just as is each person whom we pause to remember.
A clergy friend who is a rabbi once shared a thought that has stayed with me over the years. He said, “Doug, we are the lucky ones. When leading a funeral, we get to put into words what everyone sitting in front of us is thinking.” I believe that he is right. It falls to us to be the ones who write eulogies. There is power to our words, and we have the privilege of helping others see beyond their loss, with words that are “uplifting, encouraging, and life-giving”. Words truly have the power to heal.
Eulogy – A Good Word
The word “eulogy” comes from the Greek language where the prefix “eu” implies “good” and the word “logos” means “word’. When we “eulogize” someone, we are sharing good words about them. But what really is the purpose of a eulogy? In some ways, as my friend suggested, it is to put into words what others are thinking. It is an occasion to celebrate the elements of someone’s life…remembering who they were by the things that they valued.
If you are ever called upon to write and deliver a eulogy, remember to give it serious consideration. If you feel that you would be unable to do the task, know that it’s OK to say “No”. I remember that when my father died, family members asked whether I wanted to speak at his funeral and I declined. There comes a time when we need to listen rather than to speak. But in saying this, if asked, writing a eulogy about someone can be a beautiful testimony to the person’s life. Still, there are a number of things to remember.
Keeping it Real
I remember when Sen Robert F. Kennedy was killed in 1968. His brother, Sen. Edward Kennedy delivered the eulogy at his brother’s funeral. Among the words he spoke that day was the phrase, “My brother need not be idealized, or enlarged in death beyond what he was in life.” When we write eulogies, it’s important not to go overboard…not to enlarge someone in death beyond what they were in life. Those sitting and listening to your words have an image in their mind as to who the person was who is being remembered. They carry with them the experiences they shared with the one being memorialized. In the course of the eulogy, it is important to raise in celebration who the person was, but if he had only been an “adequate” golfer, don’t describe him as a “Master”. Remember that those listening to you know his golfing abilities. While it is important to say “Good Words” about the one we remember, it’s equally as important to keep it real.
Another thing to remember is that eulogies are uniquely personal. They are written about an individual, his or her life, the things they valued, and the marks which made them unique. It is perfectly fitting to include stories about the person. Even humor can be appropriate when used with discretion. Poetry, which can be defined as words which often speak beyond themselves, can be a wonderful means of conveying the feelings that people in attendance have when experiencing a loss.
Preparation and Delivery
Let me share some final thoughts about preparing the eulogy that you have crafted. At the appropriate time during the memorial service, you will be invited to come forward to deliver your remarks. Prior to this, it’s important to prepare.
- Writing the Words: Write the text of your eulogy as if you were listening to it. Once it is completed, set it aside for a day or so. Then pick it up and deliver it out loud to an empty room. Make editorial changes as seem necessary and put it down again for a couple of days. Then read it again. By this time, it should be ready to go.
- Bullet Points vs a Manuscript: It’s strange, but when I deliver a sermon in worship, I speak from bullet points, but when I deliver a eulogy, I use a manuscript. There is an advantage to both. Bullet points permit you to look at and engage more with those assembled. A manuscript permits the words you have crafted to flow in the beauty with which you have written them. I discourage you from attempting to memorize your words. The emotions of the moment can easily de-rail you and it’s easy to forget what you have attempted to commit to memory.
- Practice Makes Perfect: It is critically important that you practice delivering your eulogy before speaking at the memorial service. Rehearse it as much as makes you feel comfortable, but not to the point that the words sound “mechanical” with no feeling behind them.
In writing a eulogy, you and I have been given both a challenge and a privilege. It falls to us to paint a picture of the one being remembered, using words as our paints, and descriptions as our canvas. At the conclusion of our words, those assembled should have a wonderful description of who the person was, why he or she was important to those in attendance, as well as words of hope about the future. If you have been asked to write a eulogy, know that it is a privilege offered to few. May you find it a meaningful as well as a rewarding experience.
